And I'm not ashamed to show it!
2 weeks ago today I once again got the dreadful call from my doctor that my embryo transfer was not successful. Once again I heard the words, "I'm so sorry, but your test came back negative." Yup, in late April I started IVF again - my 5th embryo transfer. I kept it mostly to myself because instead of giving the occasional updates on Facebook I decided to record my experience. I love coming back to my blog page to read about my past struggles and thought perhaps recording my 5th embryo transfer cycle would be fun, educational and who knows it might just help someone out. I do have followers that appreciate reading my IVF blogs. I know recording my journey definitely helped me out. It gave me something to look forward to versus just dreading the painful daily shots I had to endure. When I read other women's blog posts or watch their videos, I can totally relate to what they are going through and it makes me feel a little better knowing that its not just me. That I am not the only one who's heart and hopes get stomped on each time we attempt IVF. It reminds me that I am still human and like most women who suffer from infertility, I too suffer from the pain of wanting to become a mother but sadly have to endure weeks and weeks of pain, fear, nervousness, crazy hormone effects and heartache. So on this journey I decided that I was going to record my daily shots, do brief updates (sorry I'm not experienced in front of the camera) but this is the REAL ME, MY REAL STORY, MY PAIN, MY OBSTACLES and MY HEARTACHE.
Watch video below:
I did over a month of shots, patches and pills. My belly was bruised from all the daily shots i was giving myself. The patches always give me an allergic reaction and the intramuscular butt shots...OMG ouch! I have never been so bruised like I got with this cycle. Sometimes you just have to endure all the pain to get your little miracle. I am willing to endure all i need to endure just for a chance at a miracle.
This transfer was probably one of the most emotional and stressful transfers for me. I found out that Bella had a tumor and that she needed radiation right away. Timing could not have been more horrible but it was too late for me to back out of doing my transfer. I had already started doing my shots, had paid the clinic and was getting my body ready for the transfer when I got the bad news of Bella. It was extremely emotional for both Robert and myself as well as a financial hit in the gut. If I would have known 1 week before starting shots that my poor baby girl Bella had a tumor that had grown and she would not last more then a few months, than I would have cancelled my IVF and concentrated strictly on getting her better. But that was not the case. I was in the middle of my cycle already and witnessed Bella's decline and it hit me pretty hard physically and emotionally. I often found myself caring for Bella's well being and not even once thinking about the possible life that I had inside of me. I felt guilty and cried many nights because not once did I give myself the chance to think of myself and felt such pain knowing that my dog was suffering and we needed to do something about it. I don't regret one bit making Bella my priority. But I do regret having those days where i didn't even think of myself as possibly being pregnant. In past cycles I often talked to my belly in hopes that the embryo could hear me and stick for good. But this time I didn't even have the time nor the strength for that. Although I prepped myself for the bad news I still broke down this time around. I guess no matter what i say or think I just can't control the way the bad news will make me feel. It is a feeling like no other, knowing that you have tried so hard to get to something but yet it seems like you just didn't try hard enough or you just feel like a failure. I blame myself and then I pity myself. But like other cycles, I just have to snap out of it. Not sure why this happened the way that it did, and like I've said before in pasts blog posts, if "God" has a reason for why this happened- well gosh darn it, I'd like to know what it is. I pray and hope all the time but its never enough and not to throw myself a pity party but darn, how much more of this can I take? I have had 5 unsuccessful IVF transfers. I only got pregnant on my first try but it didn't last and ended up miscarrying. I try so hard to stay positive but it seems like every time I do an IVF transfer something crazy is going on in my life. Could this be a sign to just STOP!? A big part of me wants to stop but I still have 1 embryo left. It would be unfair for me to give up on it. I know i'm not the only one that has done IVF nor am I the only one who has been unsuccessful 5 times. But IVF is by far the hardest thing that I have ever done. I am hoping that no matter what the outcome is that somehow God gives me the opportunity to just do this last transfer without any obstacles in my life. Doing IVF and knowing my dog was sick was really tough for me. So tough to watch and tough to deal with. All I ask is that I am allowed to do my last embryo transfer without having any stress in my life. Give me a fair chance to do this and just maybe my body can be strong enough to create a life. I plan on starting again in a couple of months, just waiting for Bella to get a little bit better. My last embryo was created when i was 39 years old, that was 2 years ago. If that doesn't take then we will need to think of what comes next. Who knows...I might do 1 more full cycle of IVF (meaning i'll need to create my eggs) this of course is the worst part of the IVF process. Life is full of challenges and I'm up for the challenges, I know I am strong but I'm also human and I break down at times. I don't want to hear the "it will happen or just relax" that many of us going through IVF so often tend to hear. I just want a fair chance. And yes we've considered adopting too but believe me it's not as easy as one might think. That is why I can't give up just yet. I seem to be healthy enough to create the eggs, even at my age. So I don't plan on giving up just yet. I will just hold my head up high, put on a smile and go about life like I have been for the last 4 years.
It's funny how life works, but I guess there's a reason why things happen the way that they do. All I can do is TRY. Although part of me is somewhat numb now from the many heartaches, I must gather up the strength to keep going. I'm not giving up on you so please don't give up on me!
Hi, I am Hereta (pronounced Eretha) and I am your typical dog loving - candle maker. Since dogs don't have a voice, I believe it's our job to speak on their behalf. "Don't shop or buy while the homeless die."