1 week ago today I got the dreaded phone call that my IVF cycle was unsuccessful. Hearing the dreadful words, "Sorry you're not pregnant." After getting off the phone with my nurse I drove down to buy a pregnancy test so that I can confirm the bad news. Sadly I confirmed for myself that after a very hard IVF cycle once again we were not pregnant. I felt numb and angry. I didn't know how to call Robert and give him the bad news that not one single embryo took. I honestly felt that I was pregnant this time around, we had good embryos, I did a fresh cycle transfer and things were going good. But yet another disappointment for us down this crazy roller coaster. I don't know how much more I can take. Or how much more we both can take. It's as hard for me as it is for Robert.
Let me start off by saying that I feel so much anger inside of me right now. Past IVF cycles I always tried to stay positive and hopeful. Praying that things would go ok. This time I was hurt, I felt betrayed, let down and most of all used. My body, not just physically but emotionally goes through a lot. I can't help but feel that somehow God is playing a bad trick on me. Speaking of God, I can't help but lose hope on him too. I have always been a positive person and I have always believed in God. Quite frankly I'm not sure what to believe in anymore. Never in my life have i doubted God. This week I have. I have questioned everything and have had much needed time to sit back and just think about what I've been through. I can't catch a break. I've struggled for everything that I've had. Nothing has ever come easy for me and I've always been a fighter. I am angry, so angry inside about my entire life. Angry because when I came to this country at the age of 7 with my mom and my grandmother - I end up losing my grandmother to Cancer shortly after coming to this country and I was left here in this new world to be raised by someone I really didn't know. I am angry that at the age of 18 I couldn't continue with school (college) because I din't have a green card. I am angry that I had to grow up fast and take care of my mom who has a disability. Since I could not go to school I did what I could to get by. Working 2 jobs, 72 hours a week and volunteering for the American Red Cross and the Special Olympics just to get some life experience. I was hardly ever home because I worked so much just to get food on the table and a roof over our heads. At times I had no money for food and we struggled but I overcame that. I was undocumented but yet I paid my taxes. Yup that's me, always doing the right thing. I am angry that my struggles have always been hard. Oh... all of the things I had to do in order to finally get my green card at the age of 21. The amount of money I had to pay an attorney who treated me horribly and who constantly flirted with me. Everything I had to do to prove to a judge that I was a good person. The crying I had to do in front of him and so many people in that courtroom just so I can stay in the only country that I really knew and called home. Nothing, absolutely nothing has been easy for me. I had to grow up fast and become a responsible person at an early age. My life in a nutshell was not perfect. But yet I became a responsible person because I wanted to have a good life for myself and my mother. I thought doing all the right things in the long run would get you rewarded. I always felt that if you did bad, bad things would come your way. I have never asked for much. Now I ask for a chance to be a mother. For a chance to give my life and my husband's life a bundle of joy that we can call our own. I have prayed, I have asked, I have hoped and have wished but somehow God doesn't find me deserving of such honor. I can't get over this anger I have inside. I am angry that people who are deserving of a child do not have it easy when trying to conceive. I am angry that people who should not have children are granted the right to be a parent over and over. And all for what... so they can dump the baby. It's unfair. It truly is unfair and if this is God's plan well I must say it sucks. I will not sit here and think that good things come to those who wait because in reality that is just a not true. Good things come to bad people, bad things come to good people. Why do kids get cancer ? Why do kids suffer from hunger ? Why do inmates or rapists live such a great and healthy life ? Why is life unfair ? Why why why???? It's what we've been asking ourselves all this week. We are not playing the victim here, but damn it we are truly sick of this let down. We are both angry and hurt.
Who am I kidding. I have cried every single day since I got the bad news. I have distanced myself from everything because I just didn't want to deal with it. I am sad that I didn't get pregnant. Sad that everything I went through was all for nothing. The shots, the pills, the blood work, all the swelling, nausea, cramping, breast tenderness, headaches and now heart ache... all for nothing. How can one move forward after 3 failed IVF's? How can i stay positive when it has been failure after failure? I wake up at night and stare at the darkness, only to fill my head with negative thoughts. Then I begin to feel sad and angry and I cry myself to sleep. This has been a really rough week for us. I wake up each day with puffy eyes and more broken pieces of my heart.
Am I grieving? Heck ya, I am. I am grieving for my first failed pregnancy, for my second failed cycle and now for my third failed cycle. Do my dreams constantly become nightmares? Yes, I believe they do.
Not sure how much more grieving we can do. Not sure how much more grieving we can afford. IVF is very expensive and we have put in $31K already. We just keep on paying money over and over with no real guarantee that our miracle will happen. Making babies is part of the human nature, its a free act. For us it is not, someone is saying..."hahaha, let's make them struggle a little and what the heck, let's charge them more money too."
Uhhh.. can you tell I'm bitter ?
This quote perfectly sums up what infertility truly is. For couples who are going through this, no pain is much greater then to find out at the end that all your hard work did not pay off. Nothing can bring you down more then to hear the words, "I'm sorry but you're not pregnant."
It saddens me to know that in this industry some become rich from couples who are struggling to have a child on their own. Children should be a gift. Even adoption is expensive. I just don't get it...
After 1 week of silence, I have finally felt strong enough to share my thoughts and jot them all down. I am still angry and I still can't find or feel any hope yet. Not sure what's wrong with me. I usually snap out of things quickly but this time around my anger inside has me somewhat thinking negative. I hope that soon I can start seeing the positive in things but for now I just can't.
I still have 3 frozen embryos left and I have to seek other alternatives since our funds our low for another cycle. I might do accupuncture, go hollistic and stuff myself with herbal pills. I have had a whole entire week to think and read about what my next steps will be. I will see my OBGYN and ask him to remove my endomitrioma cyst and to check me for endometriosis. I want to make sure I don't have endomitriosis if I decide to go through IVF again. I cannot waste another cycle. Sadly because my kidney is right behind my belly button I cannot have a laparoscopy so i think my only option will be open surgery. But I need to make sure I don't have endomitriosis before attempting IVF once again. I'm worried because this pushes things back more now. I am only getting older and it will be much more difficult. I wish I had a surrogate, someone who can carry my embryos. I'm just afraid my last 3 embryos will go to waste on me.
But I won't give up for now, but it will take me sometime to get back to the positive state that I was once in. I keep getting pushed down over and over and it's just getting harder to get up time after time with a smile on my face. Sadly, on this note, I can't leave you with my positive quote. But I leave you with the following.
Hi, I am Hereta (pronounced Eretha) and I am your typical dog loving - candle maker. Since dogs don't have a voice, I believe it's our job to speak on their behalf. "Don't shop or buy while the homeless die."