Tuesday, September 2nd, 2014 was my 10th day after my embryo transfer. Had blood work done early morning to see if I was pregnant. The day went by smooth, I was not antsy or nervous, at least not until it was 4:30pm and the doctor's office had still not called me. I gave in and called myself only to find out from the nurse that my hcg level was low, that i was pregnant but would need to be re-tested in a couple of days. That my levels need to be 50 and above and mine were too low. I stared at Robert not knowing whether to be happy or sad. We were confused and I had so many questions. I ended up emailing the doctor. She put me somewhat at ease and explained that indeed I was pregnant and that yes my hcg level was low. She stated that it could probably mean that we tested too early so that is why we were going to repeat the blood test. She explained that if my hcg level went up the pregnancy is normal but that if the hcg level went down than it would be an abnormal pregnancy. Let me tell you, googling things like this can make a girl go crazy. I read up on everything that could wrong if my hcg level did not rise. It's almost like I tortured myself while I patiently waited those 2 days out. Robert and I felt that we were prepared for whatever came our way, whether it was good or bad.
Sadly 2 days later I repeated my blood test and I got the call later that day that my hcg level was even lower. I went from 32 down to 24 and per doctor's orders I was to stop taking my hormone medication and schedule an appointment to come in and see her.
I got the call while at work. I'm sure you can imagine what that must have been like for me. I stepped outside and called Robert to give him the bad news. I was crying, I felt so sad, and was disappointed. Robert took it well and consoled me and told me that it would be ok and that we would try again. All I kept thinking was, oh my god, I am going to have a miscarriage. That night we were sad. We cried together, we talked, we got angry at the situation but in the end we knew that we tried and that no matter what everything will be ok and we would try again. Since I made this public, I kept getting messages with people wanting to know what the results were. I felt so numb that I couldn't even post publicly what the results were.
My doctor called me that evening and we talked and she somehow put me at ease. She told me that the embryo had inplanted on my uterus but that for some unknown reason It did not keep growing. She told me that I would have to miscarry naturally (like a really bad period) because I was under 5 weeks pregnant. Explained that when the bleeding begins, perhaps it will upset me more but to try to stay positive so that we can move forward. All weekend I was in bed. I was sad and kept asking myself, "what went wrong? What could I have done differently?" But deep down inside I knew that it wasn't my fault. My body accepted the embryos, sadly the embryos did not accept my body. As you can imagine, this was a very difficult time for Robert and myself.
And so the grieving process began. On Saturday I noticed that I began to spot. my first reaction was to call out Robert's name and I cried. Robert consoled me and told it me it would be alright. He said we needed to move on past this stage so that we can try again.
Sunday I knew that the miscarriage was already happening. I was in so much pain from the cramps, bleeding heavily and was very sad. These last few days have not been good for me. I lay in bed that night crying and thinking about what could have been. Feeling sorry for myself and asking myself why I had to lose both babies. This has been a very long and painful journey and I was so hopeful that the pregnancy would take. I pictured myself pregnant, pictured myself planning my own shabby chic baby shower. I pictured myself being a mom. I cried all night only to wake up the next day looking and feeling like a truck had run me over. I even talked to my belly and hoped that for some miracle it was a mistake and that I would get tested again and all would be good. But sadly, I had to let reality sink in. I am not happy I miscarried but I am happy that it happened while i was only just a few weeks along. I'm sure its 100 times more devastated to hear a heartbeat and then know you will miscarry. Everything in life happens for a reason and I think this was just not my time.
IVF is difficult, and although you think you're prepared for whatever comes your way, I learned that it was not necessarily true. I thought I would be able to handle a disappointment better but when it happened that was not the case. All the medication, the injections everything my body went through from bad cramps to fatigue and not to mention how swollen my belly got and still is. It was all a long hard process. I don't regret it at all but it has definitely been one of the hardest things I have ever gone through physically and emotionally. To this day, I am still in the "miscarriage" process. Might last another week. My spirits are much better now but deep down inside I still hurt.
Now we move on... I have 2 frozen embryos left and once my body is done healing we will start the process again. Robert and I thank everyone for the kind words and for all the prayers that were sent our way. It's time to move on from the tragedy and move towards the brighter future.
On that I leave you with:
"We couldn't wait to hold you, and now we could only hold you in our hearts."
Hi, I am Hereta (pronounced Eretha) and I am your typical dog loving - candle maker. Since dogs don't have a voice, I believe it's our job to speak on their behalf. "Don't shop or buy while the homeless die."